so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
