dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
