we have pet lesbian snakes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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