The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
