I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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