You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
