New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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