Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
