Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize