If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
