I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
