Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
