update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
