A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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