I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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