I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
