Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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