I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
