I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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