I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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