Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
