I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize