My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
