I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
