I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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