My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
