just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
