Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
barbara walters just said penis...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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