paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
