watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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