I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
