so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
