I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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