My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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