please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
it's like iHOP with fire
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
