Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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