i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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