I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
