My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
