Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
