eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
