I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
