you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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