You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
