Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
