there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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