I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Green mimosas i think yes
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
