I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
