I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
