Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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