Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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