I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
