I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
