I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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