the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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