Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
