So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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