Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
