Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
