you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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