Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
