If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
