why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
