Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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