I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
