she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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